After the photo shoot, I went home and thought a lot about the experience. Yes, it fulfilled my 13-year old girl fantasies of getting all glammed up and strutting my stuff in front of a camera. It wasn't as much fun as I'd always imagined, but it was definitely a good experience. Because it helped me come to several realizations about myself as a woman – and a plus size fashion blogger.
When the photos became available for the models to download, I eagerly clicked onto the photo stream set up by The Photograher. Mine popped up and I stopped cold. Scrolled through all the shots. And was horrified. I didn’t look like me. I didn’t look…the way I would have wanted to. My shots weren’t terrible (ok, some of them were) but they weren’t an accurate representation of me. Unsmiling. Body in unnatural poses. Wearing clothes that just... were not me.
Is this what being a model was all about? Seeing yourself in pictures, but not really recognizing who the person is? Yeah, I guess so. Maybe? I don’t know. Either way, I cried for about ten minutes, opened a bottle of wine, then scrolled through the pictures again. And as I looked at the pictures, I felt a wave of insecurity wash over me. Which really, really ticked me off.
As I mentioned in the previous post, this photo shoot brought out some insecurities that I didn’t even realize were close to the surface. I approach my life, every day, with a cultivated sense of, “This is who I am, and I’m pretty awesome (in my own opinion).” It’s an attitude that becomes easier, the older I get. But it’s also something that I value and am proud of – because I spent a lot of time during my teens and twenties allowing other people’s opinions of me to frame up how I felt about myself.
It was a shock to feel those insecurities – that desire to crawl inside myself and disappear because I didn’t feel like I was good enough. I didn’t blame The Photographer or The Client for these feelings because, let’s face it – this photo shoot was business. They each needed to get a shot that would help sell clothes, based on a vision of the brand they were representing. This was not about me, insofar as their needs. It wasn't supposed to be. So I blamed myself for putting me in a position like that. Ok, blame is not exactly accurate. Let’s say I made a strong mental note not to do it again.
You guys know that I’ve done some modeling, on a smaller scale than launching a website. So why was this experience so different? I think it’s because, although I wasn’t paid, my face, my body were being used to sell clothes. Like, it's just me and the clothes on a web page. If someone chooses to buy a skirt or a dress a large part of it is because they like the way it looks on me. And if they don't..well, that would be my fault. So the fact that I didn’t like the clothes, that I would never recommend them to my blog readers, made me feel like a fraud.
That’s really it. That’s why I felt so insecure. That’s why I was so uncomfortable with the pictures. Because they weren’t me. Because I felt like a fraud. Because being myself is so, so important.
Which is why I can’t see myself doing something like that again. I’m happy I did it, although I certainly didn’t expect a photo shoot to make me think so freaking much! It was a really interesting experience, and I met a lot of wonderful people that I hope to work with again…just not as a model.
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